Ok...I'm not sure if I would actually consider this a venting or more of just getting something off of my chest. Maybe it will end up being more of a vent/bitching fest but either way I need to get it all out in the open, maybe it will help me feel better and to warn you I will probably ramble and things might not flow together because I'm just going to type what I feel.
As most people know we have been trying to get pregnant, for a while now...to be exact it's been 13 months {12 if you count the month we stopped because we were going to Vegas} and for the life of me I can't understand why I'm not pregnant yet or for that fact have a newborn at home. I mean with Keegan it was a one time deal, seriously it happened the very first time and let's just say he was a big surprise! I know that this kind of thing happens to couples everywhere, every single day but I honestly never thought it would happen to us and when I first stopped taking the pill {like 3 months prior to the start of "trying"} we were kinda weary at first because we figured it wouldn't take long. Actually Ryan thought that it would happen just like Keegan but I knew it wouldn't be that easy, I thought a couple of months and there would be a little baby cooking away in my belly and yet here I sit a year later and nothing. When I went to the dr. last June for my yearly examine and told him that we were trying he said "get together around the middle of your cycle and just have fun with it"...seriously those were his exact words! At the time it didn't bother me because it had only been a couple of months {it still doesn't bother me, I think it's funny that he told us to "get together" and "have fun with it"} Then when you talk to people about wanting to get pregnant they always say "don't try and it will happen" or "don't worry about it" or "if you stress about it, it won't happen" umm easier said than done my friends. How do you "not try" or not worry about it, especially after this long? Ya, the first couple of months you don't worry about anything but after a while it gets to you...trust me, it gets to you and it bothers the fuck out of you. Seriously though it does! I don't even want to know how much money I've spent on pregnancy tests over the last year because every month I just "knew" I was pregnant. I think at some point because I wanted it so bad I kinda "tricked" myself into believing that I was and then would be more than disappointed every time I had a negative test. I've told myself not to worry about it and acted like it didn't bother me and whenever someone would ask when we plan on having more kids I would answer with "we have to get Keegan potty trained first" or "not sure yet" or "whenever it happens". I've definitely had my share of breakdowns during this...I've been the biggest cry baby and probably the biggest bitch ever and Ryan has taken it all. I feel bad for lashing out at him when I have my moments but sometimes I don't because I don't feel like he really gets it....he's a guy, he just doesn't understand. Really though, he doesn't get it. We were talking the other day and I was saying that it seems like every time I turn around I'm finding out about another person being pregnant {which btw...I'm extremely happy for everyone who has recently gotten pregnant or had a baby, especially all of my blog friends....seriously, I'm not just saying it I really am happy for all of you even if I am
One more thing...feel free to leave comments, suggestions, whatever but I would rather not talk about this in "real life". I know I have to some people before but it really is hard for me to talk about and frankly I've been holding back the tears while typing all of this. Thanks!
10 comments:
You poor thing. I'm going to point out 1 thing first...
Don't backhand anyone that says "Everything happens for a reason". They mean well.
But seriously, you are not alone. I got pregnant twice, the first time was one of those "Oh, no condom? Let's risk it" drunk moments, and the second was when I was actually on birth control (the ring).
Both ended in miscarriage.
When my ex-fiance and I were engaged, we started trying a year and a half before the wedding (I know, stupid) because we didn't want to wait. We tried for 3 months and nothing ever happened. Then, of course, the engagement ended and so did the trying. I know you're probably thinking "Pssh, 3 months? Whatever". But, I sort of know how you feel.
It's just a helpless feeling because you can't do anything about it and you can't do anything to push it along and make it happen. And the people that say "stop stressing about it" obviously never spent those godawful 3-4 weeks waiting to see if you were going to get that tell tale sign that you had to start all over again.
Just know that you're not alone and you can vent to all of us as much as you want. We understand.
*Hugs* I'm so so sorry that you're going through this, Meagan. I obviously cannot even imagine how you're feeling right now. I'm just going to put this out there and say...this sucks. It just really sucks. And you have every right to vent about it. I'll spare you all the "it'll happen when it happens" BS, but I will say that I am honestly praying for you physically and emotionally through this rotten time.
Please, please keep us up to date with all of your baby news. And we'll all throw a huge blog party when we find out "Meagan's Pregnant!!" :)
I came across this on another blog and wanted to share.
"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother." - Unknown
OMG. This ^^ just had me blubbering at my desk like a baby.
I am so stealing this for my blog some day.
Thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone in this and understanding my need to vent...and for not giving me any of the bs "it'll happen when it happens" stuff!
Heather...all three of you guys made me blubber like a baby and I was trying drive while doing it! (yes, I blog while I drive!)
Hey I just wanted to let you know that I will keep you in my prays. I know this is absolutely frustrating and agravating and I am happy you shared. I hope you will keep us all up to date and again I will be praying for you.
Meagan,
I truly feel your pain. We went through the same battle for 'almost' a year and then had the miscarriage. It never helped when I heard of a new pregnancy. I couldn't even watch a Baby Story. Everything to do with a 'baby' would be a dagger to my heart.
My mom had her tubes tied after my youngest brother was born. After my dad passed away, she remarried and wanted to have a another child. Her & Matt did 7 rounds of invetro. It worked 4 out of the 7 times. Two pregnancies ended in a miscarriage, another one ended up being a still birth. On their very last attempt my mom's best friend chose to be a surrogate for them. She became pregnant and then ended up having a miscarriage as well. Needless to say, a year later I became pregnant with Luke and my parents desire for a baby of their own wasn't an issue anymore.
After my miscarriage, I woke up one night feeling like I couldn't breathe. I called my mom and asked her HOW she dealt with all of that pain? HOW could she put a smile on her face? And you know what she told me???? She said, 'because I already have three beautiful children.'
You have a strength inside you that you don't even know you have. Read, re-read, and re-read Sara's comment. It will keep you going. I couldn't say it better myself. You WILL be blessed again. God isn't going to waste a great Mommy with just one baby.
Never apologize for venting, we are your saftey net!! Always here for you, and praying for you.
PS:
STOP blogging and driving missy :P
I think there is a need for a post on Oprah's Pledge in order!
Wow I feel so selfish for being frustrated after only trying for a month and a half. I agree with what everyone else has posted.
A college friend of mine and her husband have been trying to have a baby for almost two and a half years. She did shots, injections, spent thousands of dollars, all that jazz. Nothing worked. They thought about it so much even her husband knew the day she was expected to start and got excited if she was a day late. Eventually they gave up and went and filed adoption papers. It was a week long process of filling out the paper work and meeting with counselors. It was a hefty deposit but they were so ready to be parents. Two months after filing all of their paper work, she found out she was pregnant.
God works in mysterious ways. He has a plan for everyhing. Trust me, I have learned the hard way that NOTHING goes as planned, ever. lol. But just like my blog header says, we plan, we anticipate, and then we learn to flex and readjust. So flex. And readjust. Love the life you have now and thank God for it every day.
You are a great mother to an adorable little boy and right now, that's all that matters.
Meagan, I don't know you in real life & I haven't been through what you're going through, but I really feel for your situation & I will keep you in my prayers. I know it sucks when you want something so badly & just can't get it :( I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for an "I'm pregnant" post asap :)
Thanks everyone! It means a lot to hear such good and encouraging things, it definitely helps me feel better about the situation and myself. Not to mention every single one of you has made me cry!!
And Sarah, it doesn't happen often, usually just when I'm sitting at a red light! :)
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